Tuesday, May 3, 2011


So after much thinking I figured this might be the best thing for myself. I have issues and always could use a place to actually sit down and talk about them, let the anger and frustration out. So this is my first post and a good welcome post to those who are reading about my life and issues!
Trust me this wont be a wishy-washy journal, I have real life issues and problems. Let me start by saying I have been a self-harmer since I was about 16. Nothing drastic at that point just hitting, scratching ect. Over the past few years it went from nothing to mind blowing, I have seen a shrink of course that didn't help. I just wanted my friends and family to be happy. I don't want to stop so I think trying to get help doesn't help when you don't want it!
The SI (as I will call it) really isn't bad at the moment, I haven't had a huge attack in a few months. Now it comes to the point that when I want to I have to stop after just 1 mark or have to figure out how to explain myself. I have even tried to think of new places, ones I can hide that will let me release. I also believe I have a ED disorder, okay nothing huge cause I still eat but I do limit myself. I count every single calorie that goes into my body. Keep very updated records of weight, food intake, liquid intake and exercise intake. I am always weighing myself, looking at my body thinking why do I look like this why. I hate the mirror, hate looking at myself naked, hate my husband to see me. Everybody says I look great and they would kill for what I look like, and I wonder why I am still so fat.
So there is a little about me, now most of my posting will be how I feel this day or the next I wont post all the time cause truthfully I will forget! I am now starting a new diet called ABC, so far so good! Yesterday was my first day and I went over by 69 calories. Today is day number 2 and doing even better. Check out my next post for the info!

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